Saying the incorrect factor at a funeral

Don’t simply keep in mind to say the suitable factor in the suitable place, however even more durable, to depart the incorrect factor unsaid on the tempting second. ~Benjamin Franklin

A reader writes: I do not know why I’m so incapable of claiming the suitable factor on the proper time, however for some purpose I simply appear to place my foot in my mouth and make so many ridiculous feedback. I made a decision to go to a funeral of an individual I knew by means of a church exercise group. She died final Sunday and her funeral was yesterday. All I may take into consideration was my mom and I cried extra for the lack of my mom than for the lack of this good friend. I felt grief for her household and will see that they have been going by means of the identical issues I did when my mom died three months in the past.

What I’m so embarrassed about and wish to kick myself within the face for is that once I entered the viewing room the girl’s husband was there. He simply seemed so misplaced and I requested him if he was her husband. He mentioned sure. Then I seemed on the girl in her coffin and mentioned, “Oh, she looks so beautiful, as good as anyone in her condition can.” I could not consider I mentioned that. The man checked out me, “What?????” and in that second I simply felt so extremely silly and misplaced. I could not get any of the phrases out that made any sense and as I cried over the lack of my very own mom I felt I needed to depart and go house. I got here all the way in which house and simply sat and cried after which took a couple of deep breaths and determined to return in time to be there for the service itself.

Just like at my mom’s funeral, only some folks apart from this girl’s household confirmed up. I went to the funeral to assist the household as a result of I knew how dangerous I felt that so few folks outdoors of my circle of relatives confirmed up at my mom’s funeral and I wished to be there for these folks. But it made me so unhappy to see how few folks confirmed up. Then my silly mouth and the silly factor I did.

I do not know if this can be a pattern of nobody exhibiting as much as funerals until they’re household or actually shut pals or no matter. My mother had so many pals (all of us thought so) however so few confirmed up as a result of it was Mother’s Day weekend and nobody may take the time to assist our household in our loss. My mother wrote 500-600 Christmas playing cards yearly till she was not in a position and so many individuals mentioned how a lot they cherished her and seemed ahead to these playing cards, whereas she was alive solely a handful of individuals apart from household got here to her funeral . That actually harm. I consider that spirits of the lifeless are at their funerals and I stored pondering how unhappy my mom was that so few folks got here to say goodbye. I wished this girl to know that I cared about her and did not wish to be a type of individuals who did not wish to spend time at a funeral as a result of I used to be “too busy.”

However, I simply hyperventilated once I noticed the hearse outdoors the church once I pulled up. I needed to calm myself down earlier than getting into. I feel it was too early to attend one other funeral after my mom’s. Don’t know. With my lack of ability to say something that did not make me seem like an fool and really feel so “out of place” I ponder if going was the suitable factor to do. :'(

My reply: My expensive, I hope with all my coronary heart that you will see a method to forgive your self for being human. Your coronary heart was clearly in the suitable place and your intentions have been admirable and pure. In the tip, that is all that issues. I feel it was extraordinarily considerate, sort and noble of you to pay your respects by attending this individual’s funeral, particularly contemplating how shut you’re to your mom’s loss of life, as this can be a main set off for you may be (and turned out to be) ~ a painful reminder of your individual private loss.

As for the remark you made to this girl’s husband, please contemplate the circumstances and acknowledge the way of thinking you have been in on the time. If you end up feeling like you may’t let this go, contemplate writing a notice to the husband explaining the way you felt in regards to the assertion you made to him on the funeral, and provide your apologies. Since each of you’re sure by the frequent expertise of loss and grief, I really feel like he’ll perceive.

Epilogue: It’s fairly doable he would not keep in mind what I mentioned. I do not keep in mind something anybody mentioned throughout my mom’s loss of life and viewing of her physique. I keep in mind most of those that have been there however not what anybody mentioned apart from the assertion “I’m sorry for your loss”. Everything else is a blur. I simply really feel so silly. However, I’ll do my greatest to maintain going to folks’s funerals. However, I feel I’ll say nothing however my condolences. I’ll always remember this, however I’m going to strive to not let it hassle me as a lot as I do now. I simply really feel fairly silly proper now. Maybe at some point I can simply look again and write down what you mentioned, that I’m nonetheless grieving for my mom. I ponder if I’ll ever cease mourning her loss of life.

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